blessed beyond measure

December 8, 2010 at 6:27 pm (spirit)

Since I last wrote I have found myself jobless. Not a pretty picture, is it? I honestly started to wonder what I had done that God found so displeasing to punish me so severely. But then I read the Beatitudes the other night. I am a child of God. He loves me. I am pleasing in His sight. He only wants what’s good for me. No, I am not being punished. In fact, according to the Beatitudes – I am blessed. I am at the end of my rope – I am in God’s hands. I am in the perfect position to quit trying to do for myself and accept God’s grace and love. My eyes have been opened to how proud I had been. I had managed to do this and that, to provide for my little family, etc. Oh, how wrong I was. God had provided for us. He’s just changing the way in which we will be provided for now. I must be patient and trusting. Meanwhile, I will continue to pray – seek and knock for opportunities to find work again. With God’s grace and blessings, another door will open, which will continue to provide for my little family. In this very rough time, I am drawing closer to God. I am counting my blessings, trying to care for what I have been blessed with, in order to make room for more of God in my life. Yes, I am blessed beyond measure. I am loved by many friends and family. And most of all, I am a child of God’s.

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right here, right now

September 7, 2010 at 7:59 pm (body) (, , )

right here, right now. (my blog post on sparkpeople.com) or read it below:

I’m taking stock of where I’m at, right here, right now. 

I won’t say I’m starting over. This is a life-long journey. I have no end goal. This will never end. Like I said, this is a life-long journey. 

So right now this is what I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what changes I’d like to make. 

Exercise: none at all. I want that to change. 

Food choices: I’m not thinking much about what I’m eating, or how much I’m eating. I’m just eating. On a more positive note, I seem to be doing much less mindless eating. I don’t seem to eat to fill a void. I’m not sure what clicked to make that change. I just realized here recently that it was different. That’s a huge positive. Now I’d like to take stock of what I’m eating when I do eat. I want to be more accountable about what goes into my mouth. 

Overall mood: I am feeling very low, defeated, and completely out of energy all the time. I’m sure better quality food and even a little exercise will go a long way toward improving this! 

Physical well-being: For my weight, I am not doing so poorly. I could be a lot worse off. But there are so many things that could be better. I don’t sleep comfortably at all. My legs and feet are achy by day. And again, I’ll mention the overall tired feeling. Exercise … slowly built up as I adjust to the frequency and intensity … is what my body’s trying to tell me it craves in these cues that seem to be just the opposite! Get up and do something!! The muscles are just wasting away …… 

So here’s everything spelled out, plain as day. What I see when I look in the mirror or at photos from a family gathering is not what I want to see! That is not me. That is a tired, worn out, uncared for version of me. Where am I hiding? Somewhere in there … I’m determined to find me!

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in search of a peaceful heart

September 1, 2010 at 5:30 pm (spirit) (, , , , , , , , )

I worry.

I worry a lot.

I worry a lot more than I should.

The fact that I worry bothers me. If I were a woman of absolute faith, I would have no worries. I could give it all up to God and trust that everything will work out for the best.

I’m working on that.

I really do want a peaceful heart. I don’t enjoy worrying, that’s for sure. I know bible verses that are meant to calm my worries and fears. I think of them often and they help. Until the next worrisome thought rears its ugly head.

I am a secretary for a real estate office. Most people know how scary the real estate market is these days. I worry about my job. Without my job, how do I pay my bills, keep my house, keep clothes on my children and food in their bellies? So I need to remind myself of the paragraph above about calming bible verses, etc. I manage to calm my heart until the worries hit again. It’s an endless cycle.

Oh and then stress is a complete other aspect of my life. Some days I meet myself coming and going in the process of keeping myself and the kids on schedule and heading in the right direction with everything we need! Just this morning I had to work some magic to make sure my 13 year old had her band instrument that I didn’t even realize she was missing until the very last minute. And I had to get it all accomplished before work.

I just want to be able to smile through it all. I want a peaceful heart. I know I will continue to have worries. I’m human. Humans worry – especially these days. Stress is part of the human package as well, unfortunately.

I will continue to work on my spiritual, physical and mental growth. I’m sure all of these combined are the key to a peaceful heart, regardless of the amount of stress and worry in my life.

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circles

August 30, 2010 at 10:11 pm (spirit) (, , , )

I’ve finally given myself time to be creative. This was more a study of color and pattern than anything. It reminds me of a class I took in college – elemental design. I loved that class. I learned how colors, shapes and patterns all play off of each other in a composition. Granted, that was more than twenty years ago. What I have left from those lessons are ghosts of ideas that may or may not actually be truth. But it was fun to put it into practice, nonetheless.

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oh that beautiful body of mine

August 26, 2010 at 6:07 pm (body) (, , , , , , )

It’s about time I touch on my health goals. I have one main goal – to reach my healthy BMI. Several smaller goals revolve around that one big goal. I have a wonderful road bike which sits in my room and has only been on the road a few times since the divorce.

I want to ride it.

So why don’t I? Well, right now my excuse is that it is in bad need of a tune-up and a new back tire. I can’t afford that. I especially can’t afford it after getting the kids ready to go back to school! It will have to wait. Once winter hits, there will be no riding it out in the ice and snow. So next spring is what I’m looking at for my bike. Poor bike. It deserves someone who will love it and put many miles on it. Instead it’s got me.

Many years ago I was inspired by a book called Slow Fat Triathlete written by Jayne Williams. In fact, I was so inspired I sent the author an email. She emailed me back. I was working hard toward reaching my biking, swimming and running goals! I never did manage to put them all together into a triathlon. It’s like the divorce knocked me on my butt and I’ve never managed to shake the dust.

Now I feel like I’m making excuses. The divorce was a huge turning point in my life. Not one that I’d ever wish to go through again. It made me rethink so much. I had to decide what was really important to me. I had to relearn who I was. And honestly, I’m still in the process of learning that. But I also seemed to have forgotten quite a few things that were very important to me. My tri goal was a big one. And I was so close. It angers me when I realize that I’m starting over from scratch. But … that’s where I’m at.

The book is on the nightstand next to my bed. Perhaps I should pick it up tonight. I’m between books right now. Maybe, just maybe, this is all coming to the forefront of my mind right now for a reason. I have a long way to go, but there’s no time like the present and no better place to start than at the beginning.

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focus

August 23, 2010 at 4:56 pm (mind) (, , , , , )

There once was a time when I had focus. I could concentrate my efforts on one area of my life and work until I reached a goal. I’m not sure what has happened. Somewhere along the line my goals have all become tangled. There are too many things I want to accomplish and I can’t concentrate on any of them. As a result, I do none of them very diligently. In fact, I don’t like to admit it, but there are times when I am so overwhelmed by all that I’d like to accomplish that I do absolutely none of it!

Here are a few of the lofty goals that I can’t seem to get a handle on these days …

I’d love to spend more time in my spiritual growth – reading my Bible, in prayer, at church.

I’m engaged to be married in June, 2011. At which time I will be moving. I need to get my house ready to be sold.

I’ve been working on getting my health in order. I’m no spring chicken anymore (sadly). I want to age gracefully. That means I need to incorporate more exercise into each day. That’s not happening right now.

I have a house full of books. I need to either read them or let go of them so someone else can enjoy them.

I’ve got all of this creativity brimming up inside that I need to put to good use. Talent is a horrible thing to waste.

So there’s the tip of the iceberg. Each of those topics grows deeper and they tangle together under the surface. I feel like it should be easier to sort out than the huge mess that I’ve made of it all. It should be a bit like untangling a ball of yarn. Just grab the first loose end you see and start unraveling from there. I think I’m having a hard time finding that loose end to grab hold of.

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saving graces

August 20, 2010 at 5:02 pm (spirit) (, , , )

I should state here that I am not only a mother of two, but a divorced mother of two. I’ll skip the details from the past. They are not important to this post other than to say that there was a lot of disappointment, hurt and anger involved. When isn’t there in a divorce? I’ve been working hard to get past the ugliness and let the grace and forgiveness take over. It’s been three years … has it really been that long?

Many times it seems that just when I get my heart in the right place, somebody throws a wrench in the works and I have to start all over again. Maybe I haven’t really been thrown back to the beginning of the forgiveness stage. It’s much more likely that I’ve been only been thrown a few steps back. Forgiveness seems to be as big as the hurt that you’re trying to forgive.

It seems that an absolute test for my level of forgiveness came up this week. I heard from my ex-husband’s wife. She was at the hospital with him. He was admitted with a high fever and terrible pains. It turns out he needs to have his gull bladder removed. The doctors can’t get the infection controlled enough for surgery, so he’s been hospitalized most of the week, on IVs, under observation.

If this were a couple of short years ago, I would have been much less of a compassionate person. I can say that with quite a bit of certainty. But today is different. I am a different person, my heart is in a different place. I still feel a lot of the hurt from the divorce. 15 years of marriage is difficult to just drop and walk away from. But I don’t let that pain rule my life or my actions.

Today I am letting go of my own agenda and hoping and praying for his quick recovery.

I call that growth.

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out standing in my field

August 19, 2010 at 8:29 pm (body, mind, spirit) (, , , , )

cow in field

I’m not new to blogging. I’ve had several scattered across the internet throughout the years. If you search hard enough, you may even be able to find a few (Search at the risk of wasting your own time).

My most revealing blog was over on blogger.com (or whatever it’s called these days). It has since been deleted. I’m starting fresh right here and now.

I’m leaving it up to chance if anyone finds this or not. I’m writing to help process thoughts, feelings, inspiration. It pretty much comes straight from my heart to the screen with very little being processed through the brain!

So what is my field? Good question. I’m a mom. I work as a secretary. Well, that’s what I choose to call myself. Most self-respecting secretaries these days call themselves “administrative assistants.” I hope to be done with this gig soon, so I won’t bother with worrying about what I call my job or why.

I also fancy myself as “creative.” Dare I call myself an artist? I don’t know. That would mean I’d actually have to create art of some sort. Dare I call myself a writer? The same would hold true. I don’t make the time for any sort of creative endeavor these days.

My mind is also preoccupied these days with attempts at bettering my spirit and my body. Very feeble attempts at both. Hence the name of the blog, “taking the cow by the horns.” I’m grabbing my inner cow and not letting go until she listens to what I really want.

I would say this could be a long journey. But who am I kidding? This WILL be a long journey. Any passers-by are welcome to pull up a clump of grass for a while to see where the journey might lead.

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Hello world!

August 19, 2010 at 5:55 pm (random)

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

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